My brother once ate my pie.
Not just any pie.
My pie.
The pie I had been defrosting from frozen solid, and then cooking until piping hot in the microwave for 10 minutes.
The pie I was looking forward to. The pie that, as far as I was concerned, had my name spiritually engraved across the pastry.
He took it and ate it.
And then, when I expressed my entirely reasonable displeasure about this, he told get another one.
So I did.
And then I threw it at his head.
Frozen.
I would like to be clear that I am not recommending frozen meat pies as a therapeutic intervention.
But I do think there was something interesting happening.
Because before the rage and the airborne pastry came something else:
Powerlessness.
Something was mine. Someone took it. I couldn’t undo it.
Then came rage.
Then revenge.
And — inconvenient though this may be for people who prefer their emotional growth to look serene — they actually felt better.
I was indeed feeling more positive squarely in rage and revenge than victimhood.
Years later, when I came across the Abraham-Hicks Emotional Guidance Scale, this made perfect sense to me.
The scale doesn’t divide emotions neatly into GOOD FEELINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE and BAD FEELINGS YOU SHOULD STOP HAVING IMMEDIATELY.
It looks at movement.
At the bottom of the scale are fear, grief, depression, despair and powerlessness.
Higher up comes hatred and rage.
Then revenge.
Then anger.
Now, this doesn’t mean revenge is somewhere we should aspire to live.
It doesn’t mean you should enact every feeling you have.
And it definitely doesn’t mean you should assault your siblings with frozen pastry.
The point is much simpler:
Sometimes a feeling that looks “negative” is actually movement in the right direction from where you are.
We forget that.
We tell ourselves — and especially our kids — not to be angry.
Don’t retaliate.
Don’t hate.
Don’t think that.
Think positive.
And yes, obviously, we need to learn what we do and don’t do with our emotions. Other humans should ideally remain uninjured.
But feeling an emotion and acting it out are not the same thing.
If someone feels utterly powerless, telling them to jump immediately to forgiveness, gratitude and unconditional love may not help them move at all.
They can’t get there yet.
It’s like standing in Perth and deciding you want to go to London.
You can’t get there in an instant.
Even the direct flight takes hours.
But you can point yourself towards London.
You can get on the plane.
You can move.
Emotionally, I think we sometimes expect teleportation.
I’m devastated.
Okay. Feel grateful!
I feel completely powerless.
Choose love!
No.
Find the next place that genuinely feels better.
Maybe it’s hope.
Wonderful.
Maybe it’s relief.
Wonderful.
Maybe it’s anger.
Also wonderful.
And if, from where you’re standing right now, revenge is as positive as you can think?
Brilliant.
You moved.
Don’t build a house there.
Don’t throw the pie.
But don’t beat yourself up because London isn’t outside the window yet either.
Point yourself in the direction you want to go.
And keep moving.
So remember think positive can very well mean FURY from where you stand!
Rage on my friend.
Related idea: You Can’t Think Your Way Out of a Dark Place. You Feel Your Way Out.